Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
