Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
