i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
