There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
