Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
