She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
