If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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