he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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