Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
