whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
