my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
