Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
