My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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