After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
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I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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