Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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