You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
