I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
did i just pee glitter
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
