Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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