apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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