I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
