She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
