Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.