I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
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bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
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We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
not ubering you a puppy
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"