A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is