I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
