I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My bed smells like the plague
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
