Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
what is it with giant penises always finding me
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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