I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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