i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
