see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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