Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
I'm really busy with my period
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