I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
His nipple licking is glorious
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