I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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