I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
