Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
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