I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
