$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
