what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
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