You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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