Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
