nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
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I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
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As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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