No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
The adults are the big ones right?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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