saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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