You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
my poor anus
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
