dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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