this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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