My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
