She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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