so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
