he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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