i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
