i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
