So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
