Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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