youre lurking in front of me
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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