There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
