Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
