i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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