Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
