Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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