I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
